I did a scrapbook earlier, really a reorganization of what I did over Thanksgiving break. I actually have pages and I glued down the pictures. I've made a better scrapbooks before, but this will have to do since some of the stuff in there is so random. I keep some of the oddest things sometimes. Like in this scrapbook I just did of high school, I've got Hershey Kisses foil wrappers glued down, as well as another candy wrapper and one of those tubes that used to have that candied powder in it... pixie stix. Yeah.

      Anyway, I am really irritated at my mother. She has forbidden me to get on the internet, get on the phone, open the door, or make any contact with the outside world. The root of this is my grandmother of course. My mother doesn't want my sister or me to blab any information to my grandmother that might be "secret" or "important." Whatever, it's so old right now. Yet it's really bothering me because it only seems to get worse. Like, granny called twice today and mom was in the kitchen listening to the answering machine so I couldn't pick up the phone and start talking to grandma. Then grandma actually drove over to my house and mom told my sister that a "salesman" was here, so my mom and my sister ran upstairs so they wouldn't be seen. It just seems immature and rude, but that's just me.

      Mommy definitely needs a job. She hasn't had one since before I was born when she worked at Ben Franklin in Louisa. It's closed down since then, but I think she could atleast try to find SOMETHING to do. She needs something to get her mind off all this stuff about land and greed and just being purely evil.

      Enough of all that. I woke up last night because my tummy was hurting. I'm not sure what time it was, definitely past 12 because I went to bed at about 12:40. It was dark though, so I went to the bathroom, then slept on the floor until the sun came up. By that time I was feeling better so I went back to my regular bed. There's something about my hardwood floor that I like, and I'm not sure what it is. It's got a cooling effect, and it's just all-around soothing. *shrugs*

      I really want to call someone right now. It'll probably be grandma as soon as I get off because that's what my sister is asking for. Maybe I'll call Jess or Brayand. I dunno, I need to do something productive.

      Mood: been better. want to get out of the house so bad

     First my mother makes a racial joke about white turkey and brown turkey. Dear God, when will she ever grow up? And then today, supposedly to get my dad’s attention, she said, “Sarah, what’s that hickey doing on your neck?” I don’t even have one in the first place, so why in hell is she making up stupid crap to put attention on me? So after that, she laughs like it’s supposed to be funny.

     Later on, she came bombarding up the steps and burst into my room, saying that I was putting myself up to be grounded because I didn’t go along with her little joke. WTF?! I mean, after her little ‘joke,’ I said to her face, “You disgust me” and walked out of the room. It wasn’t funny at all, why is she trying to put me into the spotlight, and why in the world is she laughing about it?

     Then not too long ago, my little sister came upstairs crying for perhaps the third time tonight. She said that mother had yelled at her for accidentally knocking over my mother’s drink. This is the second time I have had to get away from my studies to comfort my sister. The time before, my mother had yelled at her for a different reason- probably because my sister had left the living room a mess. I think my mother should not make such a big deal out of things; my sister is only seven, so she’s a kid and has accidents- don’t yell at the kid for something she can’t help. Good grief.

     And besides all that, my mother has yelled at me about every day I’ve been on break. I really don’t care anymore, since she screamed at me so much when I was little. I’m used to it all by now. And she really has no reason to yell at me either. Like she yelled at me because I told my sister that she had to start ignoring my mother. I was just giving my sister advice that I had to learn for myself. I probably stopped crying whenever my mother yelled at me around age 10 or 11; so I gave my sister some pointers. And apparently my mother was listening in, because she could repeat everything I told my sister. Annoying.

     I cannot wait to be back in school!

     Mood: grrrrrrrrrr!!!!

      Okay, so granny is in the house and she's doing the regular gossip that she normally does because grannies are unchangeable, though normally cute creatures. So granny is talking, and my mother is yelling at her because she's talking, and granny is in the house asking where my sister's dress shoes are for church tomorrow. Well, my sister can't find them and my mother can't find them, so my mother raises hell when my grandma tries to look for them where she had laid them down the last time she was here.

     And then... my mother was right next to my grandma and they were yelling at each other. I had never seen it look this bad before. They were each hot with malice and anger. Then I saw my grandma raise her hand as if to strike my mother; my mother looked as though she was just waiting for my grandma to strike her, so she could hit my grandma down to the floor. My mother had the anger bulging from every part of her body; I could see my grandma was in danger.

     I suppose my dad could sense the danger too, and luckily he was in the same room. Dad forced my mother's hands down, and practically threw her down onto the sofa. He said she needed to give her company more respect. She was trying to get up to hit my grandma, but dad is really strong and he was able to control her rather well. She fumed for a few moments trying to get dad off her, but he overpowered her.

      Finally dad let her go, my grandma went out of the house, but not without my mom and grandma still bickering. All the while, my little sister thought it was all a joke and she was smiling and seemed to be enjoying it. Me though, I saw my mother's hatred and I feared for my grandma's safety until my dad stopped my mother from hitting my grandma. It was horrible.

      Okay, so now mom is mad at dad, and she probably will be for another month or so now. And not only will it affect my dad, but it will affect me as well. My mom is only going to cook for herself, she's going to probably hide the sugar, she's going to make my dad's life miserable in every possible way, she's going to yell and curse and fart and belch and do anything she thinks is nasty just to make dad's life harder.

     *sigh* It was bound to happen. If only they had stopped having kids after me, then my dad would probably divorce her after I got out of the house. But now there's my little sister, 7 years old, and so there's another 10 years unless social services comes in for her. My grandma has been talking about doing something about my mother, and it wouldn't surprise me if there were police at the door right now. Until then, cheers to more crap to deal with from my mother. Ugh!

     Luckily for me, I've got a stable relationship (for once) that's helping me cope with all this drama. I don't need any more drama right now!!!

     Mood: so-so. I need a bath.

     But it's like I was trying to tell my mother yesterday: You've eventually gotta go out your front door. There are risks in life, and anything that I don't experience in life leaves me open to ignorance and danger. Danger generally leads to bad things, so why not explore some of the fruits of life now before I get out into the real world?

     It is my life, and I am controlling my level of comfort as I see fit. I still wonder though, if I'm being too careful about stuff. *shrugs* I guess I'm still finding what my boundaries are and what is comfortable. But I'm finding out some weird stuff, and it's freaking me out a little. We'll see how things progress.

     And then there are my past relationships from before; they hurt so much when they ended. It just makes me sort of shy away from fully giving myself to someone... it puts me on caution because I do not want to be hurt again. I will have to take risks if I am to make anything of it.

     Football game Friday against Orange! And then Lizzy's party on Saturday! Yay! Maybe I can have a little bit of fun.

     Oh my goodness; I broke down crying last night. I was cleaning my room, and I was looking at some photos, and I just started crying. No, no one in the photos has died; they're just memories of things from the past and not-too-distant past. But looking at the photos, I realized that I'm graduating in June! This was the first time that it really struck me that I will have to be an adult fairly soon. Of course I will be happily moving on to better things, but I realize that my life and high school years in general weren't really all that bad.

     I'm on a timeline right now, and the days keep ticking. I suppose I will have to make the best of the time I have been given. Hopefully I will be able to take down the barrier that I have put up, and give myself fully as is best. Nothing is achieved with only half effort; it takes a full, mind-encompassing effort to truly see result.

On the Threshold

I have been waiting for you eagerly, ever since consciousness of the day took hold of me,

Still dark outside as I look through the window

Sky turns a subtle light yellow and blue as the sun slowly sleeks, trying its best to rise from the dark depths

A light knock; confused, I walk to the door

And there you are, just like you said you would be

Your body looms over mine as I open the door and feel the crisp air encompass my body

You are in shadow as I see the sky behind you, dark purple clouds omnisciently foreboding

Yet I can see now the outline of your damp, curly hair, and the face of readiness as you remain on the threshold

We stand there for what seems an eternity, yet not long enough

I want to fall into your arms. I want your embrace of love and passion once more.

But times are not as before, and some things must change whether it is wanted or not.

Letting that desire finally go is part of the suffering, yet also of growth.

So sad that I must neglect your touch, but it was the only way I could say “I love you forever.”

So, in mind, I will always be just beyond the threshold

Waiting for you to step inside.

     That's all I've got. Now that I look back at it, it seems a little short. But I think it gets its point across. I don't know what I'm doing still, and I hate not knowing. I wish I could keep my mind strictly on schoolwork, but I haven't exactly been very successful in that. Maybe I'm in a burnout mode, and I need some extra juice to keep me going.

     Ahhh! Must write two papers, but I don't want to. Need to reread Beowulf, but I don't feel like it. Need to finish Dr. Kavanagh's project I've been working on for the past four weeks. Need to fill out UVA application that's due in less than a month. Need to get scholarship information before my mom pukes it all over my face. Need to register for December SATs. Need to fill out paper counselor gave me for future scholarship recommendation information. Ack!!! Need to plan a field trip for seeing a real Renaissance Faire. Must do everything tonight! Or just procrastinate until the last possible moment of life.

     What to do, what to do. *shrugs*

     Mood: blurgh

     Music: weird techno stuff. it's okay, sorta...

     I don't know why I feel so lonely. I feel like the world is beckoning me to leave, saying that I am through being here and it is time to move on. But where do I get to move to? I can't put myself back inside my mother and undo my making, so that really leaves only one place. But that's not even an option.

     So it's like I'm this ghost, a shadow of life that was left once the soul parted from the body. Only this time I still have my body, and no one has seen the pain behind the eyes. I suffer every day, and I don't know why this is.

     Maybe it's guy issues, my parents' constant arguing, the little things that make life horrible, the lack of purpose I feel, the lack of devotion to God, my own abyss of anti-socialness, and my own undisciplined mind that is in need of reincarnation all rolled into one. I feel like crap despite the smile, the grin, the laugh, the bounce, the life I'm pretending I'm living.

     Life is hard right now, but I know I need some time to think and analyze myself as more than just a wasteful microbe of scum. It's how I feel, and it really hurts. Part of it is putting myself down, and the other is my perspective of the way I think others see me. It felt really good running that mile today. I needed it after the torment I was feeling today. *sighs*

     Of course I'm not alone; I'm surrounded by people who will talk to me politely if I decide to engage in intelligent conversation. But I choose not to, and that hurts worst of all. I'm not willing to make conversation, and therefore feel like I'm part of something more than myself. I am in pain.

     I can't be asking for attention, because I think I get enough of that as it is. And it's not like I come up randomly in conversation with people saying, "Hey, do you feel like life is meaningless right now?" or "Do you suffer the same as me?" It just wouldn't be right, and I don't like having unhappy conversation when there's really so little to look forward to at the moment.

     Senioritis? Nah, I want to go to college. I want to get out into the world and be able to have a schedule fit around me, me, and me. Although I will have to make a new group of friends, I hope to run over that barrier and be happy with myself. I admit I will miss high school because of my friends and some of the really good teachers, but it's a part of my life I will be ready to let go when the time comes for it.

     Jess has helped me some; she has always been supportive, and I really love her. Thank you Jess, for thick and thin. You played with me when we could barely walk, you were my friend when we were in pre-school through first grade. You've listened to my problems, and you've given your opinion whether I agreed or not. You held my hand at my grandfather's funeral, and you've given me your love and kindness. Thank you for being my best friend when times were hard.

     I keep giving things time, but either I am too impatient or nothing is ever going to happen. I will try to change my outlook, and see where it gets me. Until then.

     Mood: kind of depressed

     When I accepted your friend, he fended you off from me, but life felt fake, artificial. I was living in a world where I had no idea who I was or anyone else. So I did the best thing I could think of by ending it. Somehow, your thoughts were on me. The day after your best friend and I broke up, you gave me a letter saying you wanted to start the relationship you had ended w/ me. I threw down the letter, angered that you would want to start again after what had happened only a day prior. But through the many hugs, handholding, the kind words, you won me back.

     It took more than a month before you asked me to go back out with you; of course I said yes. Three weeks later, you broke up with me. Do you think I had no idea who you were talking about in computer class? Of course I knew. You said her name so happily, talked about her so frequently. Then you talked about other chicks too. Can you say your mind was only on me?

     You deny what I say, but I had proof of your misdeeds. You told Her the truth when she asked, but you didn’t have the guts to tell me. Freaking liar. Unfortunately I burned the evidence, and the only thing that can save your butt is if she lies. But I know better, because I saw it with my own eyes. But you can’t tell me the truth.

     Neverthelesss, I disregarded the truth and still fell for you. But after that second time, things were never the same again. I did love you, but that love began to fade. The days in Calculus were fun and wonderful, but then I began to think: you only wanted to pretend, which is exactly what I didn’t want. In May we were close. The physical feelings you gave me were enough to stifle my senses. Even the last day of school you parted with a lingering kiss and more.

     Summer went by, and I could have dated a nice guy; I decided to wait for you. But my feelings had already faded and I had lost the love I once had. I was only a robot for you, providing perhaps the warmth (if any), the hand to hold, the cheek to kiss. None of it was real to me anymore. Then school began and the same things began to happen. At home, you heightened the feelings again, but that’s all it was. Sure, you acted like we were together in first and fourth, but you completely ignored me at lunch. Because She was there. I remember last school year when we were holding hands, and when you saw her you dropped me like a rock. I remember. And I remember when you were holding hands with Alex. In front of my freaking face. You had your hand on her leg and both of you were clawing each other.

     I let loose just about everything last week. At first you said you would leave me alone, but this week you attacked me like I’m a stupid idiot. I KNOW you’ve been messing around. And I don’t think you even cared that half the class heard your conversation about going to the beach Saturday and making out with this chick that decided she doesn’t like you and has a boyfriend anyways. You make me sick.

     I’m not mad at you. If you think so, it must be b/c I wouldn’t let you hold my hand today. What did we talk about Tuesday? I said I didn’t want you to mess w/ me when we’re not together. Do you think because we’re not angry at each other anymore we can forget everything and go back to old ways? Not this time. I have nothing left to give. You tell me “I love you Sarah”, and to Her as well. You say it so much, and I know you don’t mean it. That’s why I never say “I love you” unless I really mean it. That’s why I haven’t told you that since the day we broke up. I am nothing more than a robot. Leave me alone until you'll be serious. I doubt you will ever be ready.

     Mood: annoyed

     Anyways, I was supposed to babysit tonight for neighbors. I was in charge of three kids; the two grandchildren and my sister were the candidates that made my night hell.

     It was so horrible that I don't know why I'm even trying to describe it. First Kali got a temper tantrum and decided that she was going to go in the part of the house that's forbidden (they live in a freaking school, or it used to be a school). So she decided to climb a tree. Using the psychology known to me, I imitated her and climbed the same tree. Finally she came to, and I could feed all three of the little demons.

     During eating, I told them they needed to sit down, but Kali and Brianna were burping in each other's faces and jumping up and down. Then they all decided to play tag. They were running beside the cement pool, which I told them not to run on. Brianna fell and scuffed up both of her knees and she started crying to substantial proportions.

     At this point I was just crying. They have never been this hard to handle, even though I've only taken care of them twice. Oh, and before that, Kali had accidentally fingernailed Kristy and it cut into her skin and made her bleed. So Kristy was crying at that time. I had to pull myself together, but it was so hard.

     Then they wanted to get into the pool and I told them no because their grandma said for them not to. Kali was going to defy me, and my sister had already put on her bathing suit. But I said no and then Kristy had a hissy fit. So all three of them were in the house and Bri was crying because she wanted to get in the pool but she "couldn't walk" because of her knees. I told them I was going to take notes on everything they weren't doing right, and so all three of them got upset.

     Kali wouldn't get in the shower directly when I told her (I gave her 10 minutes warning in advance). So then Brianna wouldn't take a shower without her and I finally urged them to get ready for the shower. Then Bri began screaming because of her knees. Grrr...

     Then Bri didn't want to go to bed and she pretended she couldn't walk again so I had to carry her. Then she needed a bedtime story so I read it to her. Then she wanted another story but I told her no. And then she said she didn't get her milk and cookie, but I said she had waited so long and it was past her bedtime.

     When the grandparents finally came home, I was really perplexed. I had tried calling Brian on the cell phone about four times before they came, but he didn't answer. I don't know why I wanted to let go of stress through him, but that's who I wanted to talk to. I finally settled for talking to mom, and I was about to cry even then. I'm $20 richer, but I don't know if it was even worth all that agony. A lot (yes, I used a death word, mwahahaha) of things (another death word, ahhhh!!!!) can happen in three and a half hours.

     I'm so glad to see my own room again. I never want to leave.

     Mood: bleh

     At the same time, I have worked in the libraries at the University of Virginia and gotten paid to do so. I have gotten paid to eat lunch with people! And they ALSO paid for the food! How awesome is that? It was a really great experience; I wouldn't have traded it for ANY other job in the world. I was treated like the Queen of Sheba and living high on the hog (or something like that anyways).

     I have also gotten back into the habit of reading. Yay! I went to Barracks Road Shopping Center, Fashion Square Mall, and the Downtown Mall all in one 6-hour span of time. I ice skated until my leg bled, I bought my own personal CD player , I shopped at Victoria's Secret for the first time in my life and bought thongs for the first time ever, I bought my first Manga novel, and I may have met the first guy that acts halfway like a man than any of the rest that I've come across in awhile.

     So life isn't too horrible at the moment. I can't really complain.

     Despite my need to be alone by myself contemplating my next moves, I want contact with that someone. Why do I still cling on? My desire is so great, and I am scared to hear that I cannot have him. But I told myself that I could not, because he would break me again. Do I just not care anymore what I feel?

     For the past two weeks or so I have been trying to ask myself whether or not it's just a physical thing now or emotional bond. Well, I wouldn't have to think so hard right now if it was all physical. But I do wonder if it's all just physical for him. He is very sweet when we are among people that won't care whether or not we are together. Around my friends that have asked him to back off though, he is the IceKing of Doom. Does the Tech Tours trip, Busch Gardens, prom, the last day of school mean anything to him?

     I do not know what to do. I suppose the right thing to do would be to talk to him, since communication has always been one of my weak spots, especially as of late. I try to talk and e-mail, but I am not always successful. *sigh* I wish I could be happy; I feel as though I lack something vital which is the reason for my sadness. What could it be? I have wondered so often. I have tried so hard to be "perfect", yet I still come out imperfect and lacking.

     It also seems like I can be ready to move on, but not quite. Like once I let go I want to come back already. He's like a sense of security for me. But I look down instead of at my wings and find that my ankle was tied down anyways; I never really left to begin with. Things have been so difficult for the past five months. There would be the occasional good moment, which increased sometime around April I guess.

     I felt like we were so close, almost there. But then it's like all my friends went against my feelings. I know friends are supposed to give better judgment and stuff, but it's so hard. I am literally in a tug of war with my feelings. I think the reason I feel so dragged down and tired of it all is for this very reason. I don't know which direction to take despite his fork in the road. He smashed it down, but I am quite glad that he did. It's like what we say is different from what actually occurs.

     Still, he is spontaneous and I never know where he's going. I feel as though I am one of many choices. I may be closest on the physical level, but why cannot I also have the mind?

     I am weak and stupid. I am insignificant and blind. I am nothingness in the darkness of my room. I mean nothing to anyone. I am the pit of despair and the evil of this world. No one should come near where the negative matter of the world consumes the light. I am part of the negative energy that permeates the air. No wonder I am so hated.

     Mood: sad, thinking

     Granny leaves to go to my other grandmother's house, where they are putting up beef that was slaughtered earlier in the week. Supposedly mommy was upset at Granny, and she rushed back home so that everyone could get out of the house. Mommy acted fine until Granny and Aunt Sherry left. Then all hell broke loose. It was all my fault that Granny came to pick me up. It was my fault that mommy didn't come get me. It was my fault that Mrs. Parrish didn't get the beef that mommy was going to give her. It was my fault for everything.

     My wrongdoing, all mine, mine, mine. My fault. She took away my key, so now I can't get in the house. She doesn't have to take me to UVA, which by the way she did not take me today. Or to Jess's party. In fact, life would be so much easier without her restrictions. She complains about anything that I have to do (which is usually mandatory for school/academic stuff), yet she can watch an auction and do as she pleases. She knew I was going to get on the computer too, but she turned it off and got on the phone so I couldn't get on. x_x

     Yesterday I was cleaning out the messy, brown-dripping refrigerator, and she got mad at me for that. Whenever someone comes to pick me up to go somewhere, I better be at the door half and hour before they are expected to be coming. And I had better have my shoes on and be opening the door to go out before they even stop their vehicle. Life is hell. Someone please get me out!

     Mood: very... very sad

     But anyways, I had some dude ask me out yesterday. I said "no" because I don't really even know him. I first met him back in May (okay almost a year, so what?) , and he was with a childhood friend of mine, Josh. They were both in 9th grade; both had failed (Josh twice) so that's how they knew each other. I've seen the guy some, like when he went to Ren. He's okay as a friend and all, but I barely associate myself with him. And he should be able to pass each grade level with the 300 some other people that make it. And I don't love him. So ha.

     Back to sexy hottie... mwahahaha so hot! He has a sexy body, and an extremely hot a... hold up, not going there. Sexy, sexy, sexy, hot, hot, hot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

     Mood: bouncy!

     Some guy I never saw before was freaking me out yesterday. He came into Calculus during smart block with the Chess club people, and he was trying to "fight" Brian for me. I don't belong to anybody so stay away! He was seriously scaring me by the way he was acting.

     And then in karate class we started a new session. There were three children that came in, an older brother with two sisters. When I came in the door all three of them were standing in front of their parents in a straight line with their jackets on, just waiting. Only at their parents' commands did they take off their jackets and socks. It was freaky. In class they were really good too. Always paying attention, strictly disciplined, everything.

     Supposedly, the family comes from California and they moved out here, only God knows why. The oldest brother took Shotokan karate in CA, and somehow is at the level of ten-and-a-half degree black belt. That's not very believeable, but if what they say is true, there must be 100 levels of black belt. I don't know... whatever.

     I hate weekends; their boring. And mom yells at me. And paint likes to drop down the steps for me to clean up. Now mommy is mad at dad because she thinks he knocked over the paint. I have no idea what happened, but daddy just covered up the paint with newspaper, so by the time mommy and I came home much of it was already dry. I spent about 45 minutes trying to clean it up, all the while listening to my mother complaining about how useless my dad is... even though he is the sole income provider of 4 people, has been sick for the past week, works every day of the week, hasn't had a vacation in about 2 years, and never complains once about any of it. x_x

     Funny thing though, my sister just lost a game of Monopoly to my dad, and she started crying over it. I was sitting at the computer, and daddy was trying to comfort her. I was trying so hard not to laugh; I had to turn my laughs into pretend sobs, and dad was laughing over my sister's shoulder. Classic.

     Still, life is full of sighs.

     Mood: lost in thought... contemplating life

     It seems like I dream in clumps. One night I might not dream at all, but the next night I might go through 5 or 6 dreams.

     Particularly disturbing last night was the dream by the sea. I don't know why I was there or when, but I was in the sand and I noticed that the waves were picking up violence. I decided to get to higher ground. The way the beach was set up was in varying elevations, kind of like stairs. Each stair was big enough to hold a house, so there were bunches of houses in rows at different levels. I went up to the second level just as a wave hit hard on the first level, completely consuming a rotten shack-like building that somehow seemed familiar.

     I ran up the "stairs" and kept going until I reached the top. While I was doing this, many people were actually coming down to watch the waves, and they were on lower levels of the stairs. I watched from the very top where there was a parking lot of some sort. A big wave came up to some levels where the people watching were. It hit pretty hard, and I saw that some people were in the water. There were some people that survived it, and they were trying to swim back to safety. Others did not, and I saw the body of Max lying face down in the water, floating away. I turned and ran.

     I have no idea how this has to do with anything. I barely even know Max, and I don't know why I dreamed about him dying. I've dreamed about other people dying that I didn't really know that well before too, but it was just a really odd dream.

     It's just all piled up over a period of time, and this was the final straw. I'm so mad!!!

     *sigh* I never get what I want.

     My grandmother gets her breast cancer surgery Thursday; it had to be changed because all the hospitals went into some phase called "Code Black" where they cancelled everyone's appointment because hospital beds were at maximum capacity. That kinda made me mad, I mean what if my grandmother died because they didn't want to use all the beds? Maybe it'll keep my mother busy for awhile.

     Mood: not bad

     My sister was trying to dress up the dog for some stupid reason, and she was doing this in the house. It was her bedtime, and generally dogs aren't allowed in the house. I told my sister to go to bed so I could read her a story, and I put the dog outside where he wanted to be.

     My sister tried to open the door, but I wouldn't let her. Then she went into a hissy fit, and did the worst thing possible by telling mommy on me. Big mistake, especially with Grayhairs on the phone.

     Grayhairs tells the person on the phone that she'll call them back, then she gets off the phone. She stomps into the den and starts yelling and screaming at me, perhaps the loudest I've ever heard her. It was something about being quiet when she's on the phone; I couldn't really figure out the rest through all her spit flailing through the air.

     My dad, who was already in bed, woke up and came down to see what was wrong. My sister was scared to death; she had her ears covered and was cowering before my mother like a sissy even though I was the one being yelled at. Good going loser. She started the tears right as daddy came to rescue her.

     All this time I was standing alone, taking the full force of the blow. Grayhairs moved off a little, as if she was going to get back on the phone, then she stopped in front of the door to look at my face. I knew she was looking for tears; I wanted to laugh so hard right then, but I didn't feel like getting slapped in the face right then.

     I've beaten her and her little games. No tears on this face at incomprehensible spittle. You lost Grayhairs; I think some of that hair dye has started leaking into your brain.

     And I never want to see another aluminum can again... ever. Twenty years' worth of cans lies beside the pond. I have picked up over 2,000 cans today and almost 6,000 altogether. It's all Grayhair's fault too; it's her junkpile. And it's such a pain; yesterday I picked up 4 trashbags full of cans and today I picked up 9. Grayhairs picked up 1 bag yesterday and 1/4 of a bag today. Good job Grayhairs, keep it up.

     Mom's threatened that I can't go back to school until I've picked them all up.

     Here's what I have to say about it.

1. I'm trying to pick them all up, but I'm the only one doing it.

2. Thanks for the motivation and support Grayhairs, I'll be done really fast now.

3. It's your fault Grayhairs, why don't you pick up your own shit?

4. I see how you view my aspirations of going to college. Thank you for threatening me of possibly failing my schoolyear so I can pick up YOUR trash.

5. I guess this is truly the career for me. I'm sure I'll make the millions you think I'm going to make and be able to support you in your old age. Not.

     I don't know why I still entitle that creature "mom."